I do not think the desire has been this strong. I do not deny that it has stirred many times over from within, far too many than can be counted in the last five years. And yet it has lain restless, wanting to feel that thrill once more, seeking to conquer challenges of a different nature. Then why has it lain low, stayed wary, just watching all this time? For action would have made all the difference in the world.
Afraid? Yes, quite. It was cowardice that kept me rooted, comforted in the thought that I was enveloped in my notion of security. Strange that I would find this secure; I don’t need to go back deep to see that it had drained me dry years back. It stopped being good to me a long time ago. Okay, that is an ungrateful thought. My folly has to figure in here much as I want to skip these unappealing parts. In my defense, I say it again: I only had the best intentions. Search me, I’m actually the good guy.
So I take it back, this “it” I sound ungrateful for. It was good to me for a long time but I do not find it appealing anymore. It’s time. It was time a long time ago but I was too chicken to go out and bask in the sun. Not anymore. Hell, no! Because I am better than that and I still got it after all. Happy thoughts, yay!
And now? I know better! It makes me smile to think that finally {finally!}, I am thinking of myself only, my own well being. Such a selfish señorita, hahaha. Yet do you know that my renewed self esteem will benefit the eternal loves of my life in more ways than can ever be possible? Oooh, giddy lil ‘ol me!
Right now, my gait is light and my heart skips a happy beat. Happy, feeling very happy… but what I intend to claim is not in my hands. YET. Wishing, wishing, wishing! And waiting… a little impatiently.
Did I say claim? I feel it. I know myself well after all. I want this. I wish it. My thoughts and prayers are filled with sincere desires of why it will be good for me, and I for it. There is nothing my heart can hide from God, He sees it all. And if by chance it doesn’t land on my lap, then I will know His answer… that it wasn’t mine to claim after all. The blow will hit me, I will not deny that. But I trust that His denial of this one wish can only mean one thing: a bigger and better “it” is waiting for me. I am giddy again… I cannot let the desire burn low and restless anymore. So I ask my little heart to wait, patiently wait. I will have my answer soon.
I’m not making sense, am I? Don’t mind me, I’m kinda nonsense today.
~0~
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